When Heartbreak Feels Like Dying: 10 Steps to Overcoming a Bad Breakup

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“It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness.” – A Tale of Two Cities

I’ll never forget the summer of 2010.  Like a good parent does to every child afraid of the water, my mother had finally pushed me out of her rent free house and into a rather shallow public pool.  Yet still I was barely floating my $600 rent despite my three part-time jobs, my least favorite of them driving a van around town to pick up kids from six different schools and deliver them to afterschool care.  At the top of her lungs, Jessica’s crackly 8-year-old voice screeched the lyrics drowning out Beyonce.

I used to want you so bad,
I’m so through with it,
Cause honestly, you turned out to be the best thing I never had
,”

“Sit down and put your seat belt back on,” I yelled.  “This isn’t American Idol, sit down!”.   Jessica was that precocious only child who probably spent too much time watching grown women be grown.  What did she know about heartbreak anyway?  What did she know about laying on your hardwood floor of your studio choking on your own breath, or dry heave vomiting, or sleeping excessively because it’s the only place where you can alter reality?  What did she know about heartbreak so incredibly painful you weren’t sure if you weren’t actually physically dying?

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4 Things I’ve Loved and Learned from my 1st Year of Marriage

4 Things I_ve Loved and Learned from my 1st Year of Marriage

Last week I wrote about 10 Things I Miss About Single Life,  This week in honor of my 1 year marriage anniversary I’m sharing 4 Things I love about marriage and 4 Things I’ve learned.

4 Things I’ve Loved about my 1st Year of Marriage

  1. Having a constant in my life- One of the reasons I wanted to get married was to increase the sense of permanency in my life. I loved and still do love change but felt like I wanted a few constants.  I was always changing jobs, outgrowing friends, or friends moved away, and I’d lived in way too many apartments. Even my nuclear family was constantly moving or evolving as siblings developed their own lives. Continue reading

10 Things I Miss About Single Life

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A friend of mine posted in her status a few days ago that she saw someone promoting a seminar entitled, “Break Free from Singleness”.  She then asked us two great questions, “Is singleness a prison that we have to get released from? Are we trapped in some way?”    I thought these were such great questions, and a great response to what sounds like a ridiculously titled seminar.  In fact I was inspired to blog about it.   Quick disclaimer, I have been married for almost 1 year now, and marrying my husband was one of the best decision I’ve ever made.  However, for a full decade before that I was single, dating and desiring marriage, sometimes for the wrong reasons.

Anyone who knows me well, can attest that I REALLY, REALLY wanted to get married.  My reasons why changed over the years.  When I was a teenager, I imagined by 26 I’d be married, by 28 I’d have my first child, the 2nd child at 30, the 3rd at 32 and a possible 4th at 34.   Marriage and motherhood were just as much markers of success as was finishing college, grad school and getting a good job.   I associated marriage with home ownership, and other markers of “adulthood”.  At 25 however, I was still bouncing between my parents’ house and bed bug infested studios, working odd jobs, and barely paying my bills.  I was also quite relationship challenged.

By age 28, just three years later, things were looking up. I had a solid job that paid well, included benefits, and realistic opportunity for advancement.  I lived in a great neighborhood in an awesome apartment.  I no longer needed marriage as a marker to make me feel more adult.  Paying bills on time, hosting dinner parties and get togethers in my lovely home, affording overseas vacations, and having career stability with growth opportunities for income increases and future home ownership checked off most of my self-defined superficial boxes of what it meant to be an adult.  

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The Taboo Question

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What are you looking for?  This taboo question is usually followed by a nervous pause and then ramblings of a few multiple choice answers: a potential relationship, casual dating, friends?   But why is the taboo question so taboo?  Is wanting to know the purpose or intention of a first or a few dates really all that wrong?  Continue reading

Don’t Get Surf & Turfed this Valentine’s Day: 5 Ways to Protect Your Wallet

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When I was 23, young, broke and stupid I learned this term. It’s when you generously take someone out to dinner on a budget and they unexpectedly order the two most expensive things on the menu, the steak and the lobster.

At 23, I was dating this guy whose pattern was to always split meals with me whenever we went out. He was a fairly skinny guy but he said to manage his cholesterol he wanted to split meals. He also didn’t drink or ever order desserts or appetizers. Needless to say, whenever we went out for a meal the bill was consistently low.

On Valentine’s Day I decided I wanted to mix things up and take him out. Stupidly, I chose to take him to the John Hancock building 95th floor Signature Room. I had never been, but I’d heard it was amazing. Did I mention I was 23 and broke? I looked up the menu beforehand but of course fancy restaurants often don’t list prices on the online menu. I figured we’d probably order one $35 -50$ entre and share it like we normally shared meals. There’d be no appetizer, drinks, desserts etc. because he never wanted those things anyway.

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Valentine’s Day & Tuesday Night Dishes

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Hello lovelies,

If you’ve noticed that I’ve been MIA for the past two weeks, it’s because I’ve been battling the flu.  Being sick these past few weeks has really got me thinking a lot about the upcoming Holiday of Love, otherwise known as Valentine’s Day.  Are you excited for Valentine’s Day, totally indifferent or “feeling some type of way”?

For as long as I can remember Valentine’s Day has made me feel some type of way.  In junior high we purchased $1 mailgrams and sent them to one another.  I recall partnering up with girlfriends and making sure everyone in the crew was accounted for so that no one would feel the embarrassment of not receiving one.  If by chance a secret admirer did send you one, the excitement of this was quickly overshadowed by the awkward aftermath of having to interact with said admirer.

In high school some of the girls with boyfriends got big bouquets of flowers or gaudy balloons to carry around throughout the seven period day.  Not getting one made me feel some type of way but carrying around these bulky objects also felt like a silly impractical display of show and tell.

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Mediocrity is the Antagonist of Love

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It was in that moment, standing outside the storefront window of the Argo Tea, contemplating the three small chips in the acrylic painting that I realized, I could never marry him.  “That one’s chipping, do you see it?” I asked.  “Yeah I know, it was like that when I hung it.  No big deal, no one will notice.”  He said.  “But —” , I silenced myself.  What was the point anyway?   In high school, acrylics had been my medium of choice.  I bought it in jars instead of tubes so I could leave the caps off and let it dry up like paste.  Tube acrylic was the consistency of snot, thin, runny and uninteresting.  But all dried up and paste-like it could be manipulated into textures. I could layer and mix colors right on the canvas.  Portraits of brown people were my favorite.  I never mixed complexions on a palette beforehand, nor would I attempt to purchase skin tone paints.  I loved to layer white, red, yellow, brown, blue.  Everyone’s blood runs blue.  Even behind the darkest of skin tones you can see hints of blue pulsing veins.  I loved color.

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