When Heartbreak Feels Like Dying: 10 Steps to Overcoming a Bad Breakup

When Heartbreak Feels Like Dying_

“It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness.” – A Tale of Two Cities

I’ll never forget the summer of 2010.  Like a good parent does to every child afraid of the water, my mother had finally pushed me out of her rent free house and into a rather shallow public pool.  Yet still I was barely floating my $600 rent despite my three part-time jobs, my least favorite of them driving a van around town to pick up kids from six different schools and deliver them to afterschool care.  At the top of her lungs, Jessica’s crackly 8-year-old voice screeched the lyrics drowning out Beyonce.

I used to want you so bad,
I’m so through with it,
Cause honestly, you turned out to be the best thing I never had

“Sit down and put your seat belt back on,” I yelled.  “This isn’t American Idol, sit down!”.   Jessica was that precocious only child who probably spent too much time watching grown women be grown.  What did she know about heartbreak anyway?  What did she know about laying on your hardwood floor of your studio choking on your own breath, or dry heave vomiting, or sleeping excessively because it’s the only place where you can alter reality?  What did she know about heartbreak so incredibly painful you weren’t sure if you weren’t actually physically dying?

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How Much Does Money Matter in a Relationship?

How Much Does Money Matter in a Relationship_ing

This week’s Perspective Wednesday piece is all about the money!  Last Friday I asked you via video if it mattered how much money your significant other made.  For the women, does it matter if a man makes significantly less money than you?  Would you date a guy who made less?  If so would you marry him, all other things considered?  And for the men, does it matter to you how much money a woman makes?  If a woman made more than you would that be an issue?   The debate was rich last Friday and so I decided to carry on the conversation by inviting some readers to send in their anonymous detailed responses.  I’ve also included mine. Continue reading

4 Things I’ve Loved and Learned from my 1st Year of Marriage

4 Things I_ve Loved and Learned from my 1st Year of Marriage

Last week I wrote about 10 Things I Miss About Single Life,  This week in honor of my 1 year marriage anniversary I’m sharing 4 Things I love about marriage and 4 Things I’ve learned.

4 Things I’ve Loved about my 1st Year of Marriage

  1. Having a constant in my life- One of the reasons I wanted to get married was to increase the sense of permanency in my life. I loved and still do love change but felt like I wanted a few constants.  I was always changing jobs, outgrowing friends, or friends moved away, and I’d lived in way too many apartments. Even my nuclear family was constantly moving or evolving as siblings developed their own lives. Continue reading

Think Free

Think Free

Massive collection of on demand lessons,
The classics are lectures,
Words and phrases that’s how they raised me,
Think free was their era,

Black power, black knowledge,
fist in the air,
all natural hair,

The struggle is real was more than a phrase,
And Islam lasted more than a phase.

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10 Things I Want Non-Trans People to Know About Being Transsexual

10 Things I Want Non-Trans People to Know About Being Transsexual

This Perspective Wednesday’s Guest Post was written by Warren Oaks

When I was in preschool, and interacting for the first time with persons outside my immediate family, I realized something was different about my peers and I, something I couldn’t quite put my finger on. I knew that I was a girl, because my parents had told me so, but it just didn’t sync with…whatever it was that was going on inside of me. There were twins at the preschool, Luke and Mark, and I felt more like myself when they included me in their games and interactions. Something about being included with the boys felt right.

Whatever was different about me, I concluded that it needed to be hidden or corrected, so my childhood and teenage years were spent trying on different identities and personas in an attempt to find something that I felt comfortable in. I grew my hair to a ridiculously long length, tried to be “girly,” tried to be funny, tried to be vulgar, tried to be sullen, tried to be introverted. The closest I got to something that felt right was the “tomboy persona,” but for reasons I didn’t understand, it still just didn’t work.

What I did not know at the time was that I am a transsexual—a person whose body and associated gender role don’t synchronize with their sense of self. It wasn’t until late middle school or early high school that I was introduced to the concept, and then the identity shuffle became an exercise in deflecting any possible attention away from who I really was.

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10 Things I Miss About Single Life


A friend of mine posted in her status a few days ago that she saw someone promoting a seminar entitled, “Break Free from Singleness”.  She then asked us two great questions, “Is singleness a prison that we have to get released from? Are we trapped in some way?”    I thought these were such great questions, and a great response to what sounds like a ridiculously titled seminar.  In fact I was inspired to blog about it.   Quick disclaimer, I have been married for almost 1 year now, and marrying my husband was one of the best decision I’ve ever made.  However, for a full decade before that I was single, dating and desiring marriage, sometimes for the wrong reasons.

Anyone who knows me well, can attest that I REALLY, REALLY wanted to get married.  My reasons why changed over the years.  When I was a teenager, I imagined by 26 I’d be married, by 28 I’d have my first child, the 2nd child at 30, the 3rd at 32 and a possible 4th at 34.   Marriage and motherhood were just as much markers of success as was finishing college, grad school and getting a good job.   I associated marriage with home ownership, and other markers of “adulthood”.  At 25 however, I was still bouncing between my parents’ house and bed bug infested studios, working odd jobs, and barely paying my bills.  I was also quite relationship challenged.

By age 28, just three years later, things were looking up. I had a solid job that paid well, included benefits, and realistic opportunity for advancement.  I lived in a great neighborhood in an awesome apartment.  I no longer needed marriage as a marker to make me feel more adult.  Paying bills on time, hosting dinner parties and get togethers in my lovely home, affording overseas vacations, and having career stability with growth opportunities for income increases and future home ownership checked off most of my self-defined superficial boxes of what it meant to be an adult.  

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The Taboo Question


What are you looking for?  This taboo question is usually followed by a nervous pause and then ramblings of a few multiple choice answers: a potential relationship, casual dating, friends?   But why is the taboo question so taboo?  Is wanting to know the purpose or intention of a first or a few dates really all that wrong?  Continue reading